Who Am I really

Self discovery - that has been quite interesting. I had to start the process a bit backwards because thats just how I am programmed.

First came figuring out what I wasn't. This was really interesting because I listed all the things I did not like and for whatever reason lived as if I did like them. As I wrote the list, I thought about why I didnt like them. Sometimes things on the list were there because of bad memories and these tended to consist of material items.

There were things on the list concerning behavoir and treatment of others. I think this is where I found compassion and empathy for others. Even as a child, I possessed some of the attributes of an advocate.  Looking back from where I am today, I can see how the people and circumstances of my life groomed me for what I am.

Back in the teen years, there was the release of the film "The Trial of Billy Jack". That movie became a favorite for years. One character I truely identified with was Carol. Like me, Carol was blonde and blue eyed. Carol was kind even when hurt by the actions of others. She had a trust and a strength I so badly wanted to have myself. Looking back, I had that same trust and strength and I had no idea. So many around me told me different; often.

While living in Texas in 1998, I took my kids to see a Christian concert with Jaci Valasquez performing. She sang a song that night called"Sanctuary". Several years ago, that song began to sing in my head leading me into prayer frequently. These prayers were in response to a desire/need to serve. To be an ear, a hug, a safe person to those who were hurting, wounded, suffering- however G-d could use me. But .....................

I wasn't ready. Not until I could love all of me. Not just the pieces of my being which were acceptable on the standards of outside judges but all the rejected pieces. You know. The one who failed 2 grades and almost a 3rd, the one who would self injure at 12 because there was no other outlet to release pent up emotions of rage, rejection and rebellion from abuse.  Therapy works. So does Prayer, friends, forgiveness and regained trust.

I had to learn to trust G-d and to trust myself. I realized trusting either must go hand in hand. The perplexing part was I could trust others more than I could trust myself. Through that trust though, encouragment and support allowed me to begin seeing myself as shared by these friends. The more I "met" myself, the more I discovered I was not the disorted image I imagined.

Unique, one of a kind, set apart. Donny & Marie sang a song togther back in the day. I'm a little bit counrty; Im a little bit rock and roll. This girl. Me. Is a little bit hippy, a little bit red neck, a little bit pollyana, a little bit sunshine.

I love sunshine. I love my job, my friends, and most of all my husband Greg.  Music, nature, art, books - gosh the list is neverending. I see rainbows and beautiful souls.  I feel G-d surround me and He wraps  me in his love and peace. I am safe.  Self Discovery. I am me.